At Peace
Because there is something about how an individual walks throughout life.
It’s wild to think about how many people surround the city I am in, the state I reside, the country I am native to, the planet I live on and the galaxy that surrounds our universe..
& I seem to care too much about “if I am living my life the right way?” Let me ask you, what is the right way? In life we decide that if it works for someone, it must be the right way, maybe the only way. However, that’s just a load of shit. I, myself, Emily am the decision maker of this life; my life.
We are all just bodies on this planet, trying to figure out how to fit in, be successful, and grow as a person… why do so many people take the simple joy out of being present on this earth? Why are we making this so complicated?
Just stop for a second, stop your racing thoughts and realize what you are. You’re a being, reading a story, and attempting to put your life into perspective.. but stop again, because there is something else in the back of your mind and whatever it is you’re giving it too much power. But why? Because we’re human beings. We are curious and we need answers. When we receive them they aren’t good enough because not everyone’s answer is going to be the same.. so now we are asking again because we can’t grasp that there isn’t just one idea or one answer to solve the world’s existence. To solve why we are doing what we are doing. To solve why we are here. To solve our purpose.
& why does this matter? It won’t for those who continue with the same mindset, which works for them.. for me, I can’t stay in a place where I am constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing, if this person likes me, if I’m working hard enough, if I am fit enough, the list is infinite.
Instead I’m just being, making choices that make my days go smoother, being where I need to be mentally and physically, living life on life's terms… or maybe living life on my terms.
& what i mean by that, is that us humans made up these rules, we decided how to walk through life. So the human in charge of this life, my life, is going to remake those rules.
Some humans on this planet are brave enough to be bold enough to stand out. They don’t sit and ponder if their hair, or body, or lifestyle, fits in with the rest of the world because it didn’t work out for someone else. Society shames people when they don’t act or look perfect and we wonder why we are constantly asking questions and being afraid.
because when someone does something extraordinary and it fails, the shame holds too much ground and fills the minds of those listening. And the shame blocks the next attempts, the next piece of being different.. because being different is a shameful thing on this planet.
Don’t try new things! you might stand out and society will be right there, laughing at you. So continue to question yourself and wonder if you’re doing everything perfect because you’re living for them, right? Not for yourself, you’re too shameful. You’re not good enough when you live paycheck to paycheck, when you’re a teen mom, when you fall in love with a beautiful soul the same sex as you, when you’re born gifted, when you leave lonely. You’ll never be good enough. You’ll never have it all. You’ll never meet the standards.
& I’m cool with that. Because I’ve never met the standards, I never will, and I’m tired of trying to be someone I think I should be because of some made-up bullshit that if it works for them, it will work for me, no! because one year ago today I decided that life wasn’t for me. I didn’t belong here, this wasn’t my era, I don’t belong to my family.. I was a lost soul at sea. I decided this because my depression took over, it ran my thoughts, and it told me I didn’t belong.. The depression took its own toll on my mind and body, while society did the rest. I was in a constant state of questioning who I am, why I’m here, and if what I say, wear, or do will allow me to have a sense of belonging on this planet. I can tell you, I never found that sense of belonging by asking all of those questions. because they are all open-ended questions that never get answered, just judged.
& I was sitting at a coffee shop, writing my goodbye, making a list of things I would miss out on in life. & the most terrifying thing, I was at peace with it. I came to terms with not being anymore.. I was tired, I was over trying to explain myself to those who shamed me for being who I am. I was done questioning why I do what I do everyday and if it’s the right thing.. I drained myself on shame and life questions that never deserved my energy.
& sitting there on that Friday evening, I wanted two things. I wanted someone to see me. The real me, to see my hurt, for someone to stop me and bring me back to earth. The second thing I wanted was to shave my head because I COULD. And if that was the last thing I did, I would leave feeling empowered. I was done letting society decide that if it “looked good” it was okay to do. I had no clue what I would look like without hair, but I was about to find out. & it was beautiful and amazing in every way because I stopped asking myself questions and just did it. because I am the decision maker of this life, my life. & I’m done having other people's opinions shift and shape the way I decide to exist on this planet.
& you see, no one in that coffee shop saw me because I wasn’t there for them too. I was there to see the real me, to feel my hurt. I was the one who brought myself back down to earth. & I can promise you, I’m not here to fit in. I’m not here to meet the standards.
But I do have a piece of paper titled “bucket list” with all of the items that were on my goodbye letter. & I’m not leaving quite yet, but I’m definitely not giving energy to what I feel doesn’t deserve it.
