I'm here today.

I think it’s a pretty common thought, that you shouldn’t post too much of your life on social media. however, I am going to take a few minutes to share pieces of my 2018. I am sharing because I know that I am not the only one who had beautiful times as well as challenging and sad times. I also feel that I can use social media to help individuals. I am able to share my story in hopes of helping someone feel heard, understood, or not alone. maybe allowing them an opportunity to view their situation in a different light.

2018 was a year that changed my life. I can see this change was for the better, now that I am crawling out of the dark place I was in. I didn’t know this change was going to benefit me at the beginning of the year, nor did I know this a few months ago. I wrote a story called The Invisible Line back in May. I shared how stuck I felt on this black tar track. I wondered if there was a finish line. when would my depression vanish? when would I be able to walk instead of crawl or just lie there?

my depression is real. it’s there. it lives in me. & that terrifies me.

It terrifies me because it shows up unannounced, knowing that it’s not welcome to stay, but powerful enough to do so. this distasteful illness grabs ahold so tight, and I didn’t believe that I had the strength or power to hold onto the Emily still in there.

during this year I was able to write powerful stories, I was able to spend each day teaching and learning about the world around me with two beautiful children. *off track* there is something to be said about the trust a parent gives to you to be their child’s teacher. they trusted me with their world and I think that is one of the most beautiful things in life *back on track*. I was able to travel, make more progress towards my degree, spend time with family and friends, celebrate loved one’s birthdays. I sat around campfires and climbed a mountain. I was able to hear live music, attend a Ted-talk and a walk to support survivors of sexual assault. I was also very fortunate to meet Kevin Hines. a man who jumped off of the golden gate bridge and who lives to tell his story and encourages individuals to be here tomorrow.

I was able to live another day, to tell another story, to seek another adventure. I was aware of how wonderful and beautiful my life was. but this illness was a fog spreading all over my love to travel, my schooling, my friends and family, my campfires, and worst of all, MY well-being. my voice faded, my courage disappeared, and my happiness was gone. Just like that. I was running with my arms stretched out in front of my body, attempting to grasp that little bit of hope that I still had left.. but that too, disappeared between my fingers and all that came back was fog.

those beautiful times throughout this year, I wasn’t there for. I was on the sidelines. I didn’t know how to be present with anyone, because I couldn’t even be present with myself. it’s safe for me to say that I lost myself. I don’t know who I was, where I went, or if I would come back. & that was the most terrifying feeling I have ever felt. realizing that there is something in my brain that I don’t know enough about and it’s taking over. I didn’t know how to control it or if I even had the power to.

I attempted better coping mechanisms; like gardening, working on puzzles, writing, therapy, running, and then it all kind of went away… I was at a stand still, waiting and praying for my life to be over. I was ready to let the fog win, for it to consume the rest of my body. I was ready to give up.

so I cut off all my hair and donated it & I can see now, that took a lot of courage that I couldn’t see then… so maybe not all of it had disappeared.

I stopped caring what people thought of me. I got rid of a lot of my belongings, I took the art off my walls, I stopped writing, I stopped wearing my favorite bracelets, and I stopped enjoying life… but I never stopped crying.

& I’d like to think that me showing and feeling that emotion of sadness and overwhelming terror, is how I’m still here today.

the difference now, is that I am feeling more at peace with myself. I work towards not dwelling on situations I cannot control. I am more in-tune with how short life is. one hundred years to be on this planet is no time at all. I am doing a better job at stepping out of situations that don’t serve me. my voice is getting stronger and my courage is building. I still have a lot of progress to make it to where I would like to be, but my prayers have changed. that shows me I am moving in a healthier direction.

2018 was a very fearful year for me and I know at times it was fearful for my loved ones as well.

I am becoming more comfortable with my life and I able to be more present with those around me. I have learned a lot about myself and will continue to do so. I am taking it one day at a time and reminding myself that I do have strength, courage, and a powerful voice. depression still scares me, it always will. but I am content and I am still here and….. well, I think that’s pretty rad.

I pray that 2019 will have continued growth, good health, and true happiness.